The church that I grew up in was a medium sized church, I would say there were a couple hundred attendees and that grew from year to year. It had sunday school classes for every age level and seemingly a group for everyone. I spent eighteen years in that church. I went to sunday school almost every week, missing only a couple per year. I atteneded services until I was in junior high and high school at which point I began helping with the kid's church that the Children's pastor had put together. I went to the junior high youth group and eventually the high school youth group every week unless I was out of town. Each summer I spent about two weeks up at a christian camp, one week with my youth group when I was in junior high, and one with my family. When I was in high school I spent a couple summers working up there. I was in bible study groups for several years
I thought it was all great. Most people in the church knew me as my mom and dad's daughter, which got a bit old sometimes. My mom was an active leader in the youth group before, during, and after my time there until my family moved away. I always thought this was great because I was privy to all the behind the scenes things and information, it also meant she could pull strings for me occasionally. Everyone loved my mom and thought she was awesome, and she was.
It wasn't until I went away to college really that I began understand or suspect what a detriment to me that might have been to have my mom so active in the youth group. She was friends with my youth pastor and all the youth leaders. She was friends with most of the attendees who adored her. I can vaguely recall the occasionaly bout of jealousy of the other kids who had no parents in the youth group. They would come and talk about the problems they might be having at home or at school and we would talk and pray about them all. I didn't feel like I had this luxury or that I could trust the other youth leaders to not report back to my mom what they were saying. So all the frustration I had about how angry my mom got over stupid things sometimes at home I harbored. All confusion I felt about how she could be like that at home and then come to the youth group I ignored. I suppose these actions are what fueled my crisis of faith in 2000 (my 11th grade year). If my mom could put on a facade then so could I. At church I was the good little kid, at school I was the good student, but with friends I was doing 'my own thing'. I held myself to some standards though, the worst I really did was start swearing, which seemed very edgey at the time. At one point I borrowed a book on wicca from a friend of mine and made about 2-3 pages past the title page. [I'm a bookaholic and always have too many books I'm reading.] There was a guy I thought was really attractive in my art class and he was the classic bad boy. I rarely had the guts to talk to him though. Eventually my rebellion faded and I realized how wrong I had been and began seriously focusing on God again, and then went off to a small christian college.
When I went off to college was the first time I began to really examine my life and my faith. I don't remember what how I realized it exactly if I was talking to someone or just thinking but I saw that I had been following my parents my whole life and it was time that I start building my faith more. I stumbled a lot, and still do so it was never easy but I kept trying. Early during my freshman year I realized how I had an affinity for dark things (Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, and other things). My roommate said this wasn't okay and I remember going to my faith and life professor feeling a little panicked. I didn't understand why I loved all these things that people said were so dark and evil. I remember that she asked me if I thought they were and I admitted I didn't but I wondered if something was wrong with me. I began searching my soul for the answers. I searched through all the things I loved digging and examining closely. The answer I found was that I had an affinity for dark things and their redemptive qualities and I trusted God to lead me through. Eventually he led me to a close friend of mine who is a Christian Goth and I owe her so much for all that she did. This might seem strange to some people but I know that it is who I am.
This post began as an explanation of why I quit the church so I'm going to try and capture my reasons now. I quit going to church because I felt it wasn't right for me. I needed time to explore the bible on my own terms and understand what it said to me. I needed to get away from the people that knew my parents so I could establish my own identity. I needed to get away from the people that said I was wrong for having an affinity to dark things (I prayed for God to take it away for nearly a year and the only thing that happened was that I was drawn deeper. I trust him to guide me through it all though).
Even when I moved away from my parents to give me some air I did not feel like returning to the church. I only had every 3rd Sunday off from my job to even attend. Over the last year I have really tried to work on strengthening my faith. I had several boughts of depression during this last year with a smattering of numbness and anxiety. It's gotten better lately though. And lately I've felt like I'm ready to go back to church. There's one here where I live that seems like a good start. I may be able to find my niche there. Two of the posts I read on Revelife today really spoke to me. I need to practice some patience and face the fact that I am not okay, and to find someone to talk to, another reason to find a church.

Is it amazing what you see when you open your eyes.

Once again I return to Matthew 10, and once again I see it speaking to me line by line. As I sit here thinking about it I find myself marveled by the timeliness [I'm pretty sure this isn't a word but oh well] of the passage.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend and today I messaged him because it had been weighing heavily on me lately to speak with him. I knew my friend was going to be upset with me but for some reason i felt I had to do something. When I told her she was upset but I still felt better that I had done something. Even as I sat typing to him I was nervous about saying the right things and betraying no one. having read this passage I feel more confident that I did the right thing and that the lord gave me the right words. I pray that he continues guiding me through the matter to the conclusion of my abilities be it now or later.

Once again this passage has struck the wanderlust in me. When I moved last year I had my summer paycheck and and the car my parents let me have. I arrive with a place to stay and no job terrified of what I would do when the money ran out if I had no job. Just as the money ran out I got a job that was part-time but paid twice the normal part-time amount a part-time job paid. This meant I could work one job and still have time to do other things like dishes and laundry. It's been hard to keep up with the bills and rent payments but whenever I see the end near God provides the means to allow me to stay. As I sit here thinking back on the year I can't believe I ever doubted God was there. He has always been there no matter how much of a fool I have been. i can see myself as one of the disciples going where I am led. This is where I need to be right now and I feel at peace about it. When it is time for me to move on God will lead me there.

Where I am I sometimes feel persecuted by my "land lady". I know I need to pay the rent on time but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I pay it when I can and yet she seeks what I do not have. It's an incredible blessing to live where I can owe back rent. So even though it is hard it will all work out.
The other part that really struck me was matthew 10: 34-36, I too have arrived to shake things up and see ho necessary it is. Too long have things been stagnant and that is why I speak up. Thank you Lord and God for your abundant wisdom and guidance. Continue the good work you began in me and I shall follow all the days of my life. Let me be pleasing in your sight and do your will. Thank you for the many blessings you bestow upon me. Amen.