PageTurner's Revelife

A Journal Entry

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 03:50:15 GMT

When I was pondering a question posed by a group I am a member of I had the urge to trace my right hand on one side of the page and my left on the back. As soon as I had done this I felt God silently willing me on and began writing my feelings and my realization about the exercise on the front side of the page, on the back side I continued the revelation and felt God smile at me.

The left side is my right hand, I left it traced a single time to represent the amount of time I will spend on this earth, and to show how there are times I drift away.

The right side is my left hand, I traced it once then went over it to darken the lines representing the constant of God and how he will be here eternally.

The power of this experience leads me to feel that God wants me to share it, so here it is.

Music, God, and Genius

Mon, 25 May 2009 18:54:46 GMT

A couple months ago Apple premiered a new function for iTunes called Genius. What it does is make playlists based on the songs that you have loaded into the applications, lists can be made of 25, 50, 75, or 100 songs. I was skeptical that Genius would be as genius as Apple made it sound. I started by mkaing lists of some songs I was in the mood for and making playlists for characters in some of the stories I'm writing. The playlists that it came up with were all amazing and well matched.

Scrolling through some of my religious (I dislike referring to music as christian or gospel) music and came across the song Fallen Man by Relient K. I had been feeling extremely fallen at the time and close to hopeless and had genius make the playlist. I started listening to it and while most of the songs are religious there are some that come from non-religious (sometimes referred to as secular) music but blended beautifully with the other songs to create a playlist that spoke about being fallen and the redemption that comes from it.

I have felt for a long time that while my religious music can be glorifying so can some of my non-religious music. I have found that when I let Genius make a playlist I am letting God make a playlist for me as well. Another example of how I need to keep letting go of things so God can make the playlist of my life.

Instead of A Show By: Jon Foreman

Mon, 25 May 2009 17:14:13 GMT

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your
singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood
of justice
An endless procession of righteous
living, living
Instead let there be a flood
of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you’re praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there’s blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don’t fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there’s blood on your hands

Ah! let’s argue this out
if your sins are blood red
let’s argue this out
you’ll be white as the clouds
let’s argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can’t love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can’t stand up at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show

Conversations with God

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:25:32 GMT

I started listening to Book 1 of Conversations with God the other day. I only got through the first few tracks of the first CD before I felt my sanity slipping. When it comes to audiobooks I don't think that authors should read them, with some exceptions. Beyond that I found it an intriguing idea.
I'm not sure that I've ever had a Conversation with God and I feel a little guilty about it. I'd love to have a conversation with God, I could probably use such a talk. In a way though it feels tempting God. Though I suppose it doesn't hurt to ask.

Eleventh Hour

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:06:32 GMT

The Eleventh Hour - Jars of Clay

Trace the shape of my heart
Till it becomes more familiar
To your eyes
I've been lost without you
Cold without your love
It's taken days and nights
To make me realize

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you
The chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly
Pass me by
I'll find you when I think
I'm out of time

Take the place of my heart
Till I become a stranger to my life
I've been down without you
Wrong without your love
In time will I be what
You're thinking of

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you
The chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly
Pass me by
I'll find you when I think
I'm out of time

Out of time

I've been down without you
Cold without your love
In time will I be what
You're thinking of

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you
The chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly
Pass me by
I'll find you when I think
I'm out of time

Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you
The chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly
Pass me by
I'll find you when I think
I'm out of time

Time...time...time

Where Is Your Heart - Kelly Clarkson

I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for My sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?

I feel like I'm trapped in my Eleventh Hour, every so often I get a brief reprieve and soon I find myself back in the same place again. All the while I catch whispers of God asking me where my heart is. I wonder where it is myself. There are days I am compassionate and other days where I feel numb, like I'm drowning.
I want my heart to be in the right place to allow God to use me. I'm looking for where I belong but it seems every time I try a door it's locked or I get it open a little and then it slams in my face. I want to know what I am not doing right. I want to know where I belong. I want to be satisfied and fulfilled. I want to be spoken to loud enough that I can hear.

Please.

Prayer Requests

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 05:53:50 GMT

A close friend of mine, who is like family to my family, is going in to get tested for lymphoma. Her mom had lymphoma and so I'm concerned about her.

And another friend of mine had to leave one of her cats overnight at vet. He's got a cold and pneumonia as far as they know. They're checking his kidneys as well. If his kidneys are fine he'll be fine, if not they may have to put him down. This cat is one of my favorites from when I visited her for a week.

Please God let these things work out in their favor, but may your will be done.

*UPDATE*

Things appear to have worked out. My friend is going to be okay.

My friend's cat is fine.

In other news I think we could all use a little prayer.

It's Amazing What You See When You Open Your Eyes

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:41:00 GMT

The church that I grew up in was a medium sized church, I would say there were a couple hundred attendees and that grew from year to year. It had sunday school classes for every age level and seemingly a group for everyone. I spent eighteen years in that church. I went to sunday school almost every week, missing only a couple per year. I atteneded services until I was in junior high and high school at which point I began helping with the kid's church that the Children's pastor had put together. I went to the junior high youth group and eventually the high school youth group every week unless I was out of town. Each summer I spent about two weeks up at a christian camp, one week with my youth group when I was in junior high, and one with my family. When I was in high school I spent a couple summers working up there. I was in bible study groups for several years
I thought it was all great. Most people in the church knew me as my mom and dad's daughter, which got a bit old sometimes. My mom was an active leader in the youth group before, during, and after my time there until my family moved away. I always thought this was great because I was privy to all the behind the scenes things and information, it also meant she could pull strings for me occasionally. Everyone loved my mom and thought she was awesome, and she was.
It wasn't until I went away to college really that I began understand or suspect what a detriment to me that might have been to have my mom so active in the youth group. She was friends with my youth pastor and all the youth leaders. She was friends with most of the attendees who adored her. I can vaguely recall the occasionaly bout of jealousy of the other kids who had no parents in the youth group. They would come and talk about the problems they might be having at home or at school and we would talk and pray about them all. I didn't feel like I had this luxury or that I could trust the other youth leaders to not report back to my mom what they were saying. So all the frustration I had about how angry my mom got over stupid things sometimes at home I harbored. All confusion I felt about how she could be like that at home and then come to the youth group I ignored. I suppose these actions are what fueled my crisis of faith in 2000 (my 11th grade year). If my mom could put on a facade then so could I. At church I was the good little kid, at school I was the good student, but with friends I was doing 'my own thing'. I held myself to some standards though, the worst I really did was start swearing, which seemed very edgey at the time. At one point I borrowed a book on wicca from a friend of mine and made about 2-3 pages past the title page. [I'm a bookaholic and always have too many books I'm reading.] There was a guy I thought was really attractive in my art class and he was the classic bad boy. I rarely had the guts to talk to him though. Eventually my rebellion faded and I realized how wrong I had been and began seriously focusing on God again, and then went off to a small christian college.
When I went off to college was the first time I began to really examine my life and my faith. I don't remember what how I realized it exactly if I was talking to someone or just thinking but I saw that I had been following my parents my whole life and it was time that I start building my faith more. I stumbled a lot, and still do so it was never easy but I kept trying. Early during my freshman year I realized how I had an affinity for dark things (Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, and other things). My roommate said this wasn't okay and I remember going to my faith and life professor feeling a little panicked. I didn't understand why I loved all these things that people said were so dark and evil. I remember that she asked me if I thought they were and I admitted I didn't but I wondered if something was wrong with me. I began searching my soul for the answers. I searched through all the things I loved digging and examining closely. The answer I found was that I had an affinity for dark things and their redemptive qualities and I trusted God to lead me through. Eventually he led me to a close friend of mine who is a Christian Goth and I owe her so much for all that she did. This might seem strange to some people but I know that it is who I am.
This post began as an explanation of why I quit the church so I'm going to try and capture my reasons now. I quit going to church because I felt it wasn't right for me. I needed time to explore the bible on my own terms and understand what it said to me. I needed to get away from the people that knew my parents so I could establish my own identity. I needed to get away from the people that said I was wrong for having an affinity to dark things (I prayed for God to take it away for nearly a year and the only thing that happened was that I was drawn deeper. I trust him to guide me through it all though).
Even when I moved away from my parents to give me some air I did not feel like returning to the church. I only had every 3rd Sunday off from my job to even attend. Over the last year I have really tried to work on strengthening my faith. I had several boughts of depression during this last year with a smattering of numbness and anxiety. It's gotten better lately though. And lately I've felt like I'm ready to go back to church. There's one here where I live that seems like a good start. I may be able to find my niche there. Two of the posts I read on Revelife today really spoke to me. I need to practice some patience and face the fact that I am not okay, and to find someone to talk to, another reason to find a church.

Is it amazing what you see when you open your eyes.

Ezekial 18

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 04:03:30 GMT

I have been dead. Recently I've been suffering from a lack of emotion and compassion, putting on the mask of humanity but inwardly I have been wicked and sinning. This has left me feeling dead inside because I have turned from God and stop living. I must turn back and obey his laws for if I do I will live again. Knowing that I can be forgiven does not give me a free pass to commit sin and be wicked. I should try to be more noble and above wickedness. I should be so noble that Satan [the devil, prince of darkness] feels threatened by me. I have been stumbling long enough and it is time to walk with God and run from temptation and never look back.

Matthew 10

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:08:34 GMT

Once again I return to Matthew 10, and once again I see it speaking to me line by line. As I sit here thinking about it I find myself marveled by the timeliness [I'm pretty sure this isn't a word but oh well] of the passage.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend and today I messaged him because it had been weighing heavily on me lately to speak with him. I knew my friend was going to be upset with me but for some reason i felt I had to do something. When I told her she was upset but I still felt better that I had done something. Even as I sat typing to him I was nervous about saying the right things and betraying no one. having read this passage I feel more confident that I did the right thing and that the lord gave me the right words. I pray that he continues guiding me through the matter to the conclusion of my abilities be it now or later.

Once again this passage has struck the wanderlust in me. When I moved last year I had my summer paycheck and and the car my parents let me have. I arrive with a place to stay and no job terrified of what I would do when the money ran out if I had no job. Just as the money ran out I got a job that was part-time but paid twice the normal part-time amount a part-time job paid. This meant I could work one job and still have time to do other things like dishes and laundry. It's been hard to keep up with the bills and rent payments but whenever I see the end near God provides the means to allow me to stay. As I sit here thinking back on the year I can't believe I ever doubted God was there. He has always been there no matter how much of a fool I have been. i can see myself as one of the disciples going where I am led. This is where I need to be right now and I feel at peace about it. When it is time for me to move on God will lead me there.

Where I am I sometimes feel persecuted by my "land lady". I know I need to pay the rent on time but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I pay it when I can and yet she seeks what I do not have. It's an incredible blessing to live where I can owe back rent. So even though it is hard it will all work out.
The other part that really struck me was matthew 10: 34-36, I too have arrived to shake things up and see ho necessary it is. Too long have things been stagnant and that is why I speak up. Thank you Lord and God for your abundant wisdom and guidance. Continue the good work you began in me and I shall follow all the days of my life. Let me be pleasing in your sight and do your will. Thank you for the many blessings you bestow upon me. Amen.

Matthew 9

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:32:00 GMT

Do we really have the right to say what sins are forgiven? Why do we shun the very people jesus ate with? The church needs to sit itself down and do some homework. We have become elitists, thinking we can be picky about who we let into the church. We will travel to jungles and all over the world to spread the word but will not do so in our own backyard. Have we become so different from the pharisees who persecuted jesus? We persecute the people around by passing our flawed human judgement on others; unwilling to pass on God's fairness to those who ask for it.

I've heard the question posed can a serial killer go to heaven? I believe that if they truly change and ask for forgiveness that they do. God can see in men's hearts the truth of the matter. After all we have all sinned and fallen short and no sin is greater than another, but through forgiveness we are purified and made clean. Everyone deserves a chance at that.